Laughter Medicine

Medical Jokes

Doctor: 'Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten fivepence pieces?'
Nurse: 'No change yet.'

Have you heard about the baby born in the high-tech delivery room? - It was cordless.

Real sick notes received by teachers:

• 'Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins'
• 'Please excuse James from PE. He has loose vowels.'
• 'My son has been told by his doctor not to take PE. Please execute him.'
• 'Please excuse John for being. It was his father's fault.

'Doctor, doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.'
'How do you feel?'
'A little down in the mouth'

Doctor to patient: 'Your condition is so rare, we're not even sure we're pronouncing it right.

Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor?
Doctor: A kite!

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later.

1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"So Doc, what do you think is the matter with me?" he asks.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Patient : These tablets have a very funny effect on my bowels.
Surgeon : What are they?
Patient : Ferocious sulphate.

Overheard in a busy clinic as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client: "No Mrs Smith, not the HEARSE, I'm sending the NURSE!"

A former radiologist from Northern Ireland tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman's abdomen.
Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked: "Would you pull down your knickers, please?"
The patient did nothing so he repeated the request. He then heard her say: "I'm so sorry, doctor. I thought you were talking to the nurse."

Here's one that really did happen in our hospital. A very pretty Swedish medical student was admitted to the medical wards suffering from pneumonia. During the Professorial ward round the Houseman was asked to inspect the lady's chest for abnormal breath sounds. Having just come out of his final exam and remembering that one had to examine the chest free from clothes, he sheepishly asked the patient-medical student to undress and examined her with his stethoscope. All was going well until he noted that everybody was in hysterics and the Swedish medical student asked him if he might wish to listen to her lungs again, but this time with the stethoscope in his ears.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Q. How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

Q. How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

Q. What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon
A. God dosn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon.

Q. How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

So this guy goes to the hospital and the doctor says that he's got this terrible disease and gave him six months to live.

The guy couldn't pay his bill in time, so the doctor gave him another six months!!!!!